"The Rising" Hayden Phoenix Feedback

U14 roleplay added.

Ok, I usually roleplay off of others better. I was trying to play some mind games in LEGACY for the last show, so I am trying to find my place. Thanks!

I agree with devilssaint that your most recent promos have made the character come off as a tweener more than the face you're presenting yourself as. It's fine for a face to have an attitude about himself, but you almost read like The Miz or someone similar. However, I'm under the impression that that is the point of the title "Riding the Line." The first thing you should do from here if figure out what side of the line you want to take your character as having that goal in mind will make it easier to write in the future. If you want to stay tweener though and feel you can pull it off, that sounds like it could be a fun ride. 

As for the promo itself. When I usually write my own character delivering a big speech like you just did, I split up the wordplay with some writing about how my character feels at the time. For example, I like to break up big paragraphs with some descriptions of facial expressions, pauses for personality, etc. Ex)

Just something that small can help space your promos out a bit more and help the reader catch a breath while reading. Something as simple as facial expressions and the like can tell just about as much of your character as the words themselves.

Another tip I like to give out is to always feel free to experiment with the location you put your character in. Tell me more about the background of the camera shot. Is there anything special in the back while Hayden's speaking? Where is he speaking from? His hotel room? His grandmother's house and she interrupts him at the end with fresh baked cookies? Setting up a scene can allow you the opportunity to take advantage of said scene. It could also help explain tot he reader why you're covered in sweat. Did you just work out? Did you win the masturbation competition? As you can see, you can have a great deal of fun with playing with your background... Remember, everyone is always somewhere.

Other than that, keep up the good work. I'm sure once you find the groove of your character your work will just keep getting better and better.

I can tell you this right now man: the only time a tweener exists is when they're in the middle of a transition or they're in a spot where they're literally torn. Perfect example right now is Chris Williams. Chris looks out for Chris and he's got Garland in his head and it seems like things are kind of imploding a bit for him. And ultimately: Hayden is a realtive unknown. Yeah, he was getting over a bit in LEGACY before it closed but we're not legacy. We're definitely different and Hayden hasn't had that chance to really... get out there.

So being co-owner here best advice I can give to you is what Nikki Venom gave to you, actually: pick a side of the fence and stick to it. Being a neutral for sake of being a neutral won't get you over. The inconsistency of jumping around so much can only hurt you in the end. As you saw in results, we've got a bit of something going for you because of stuff in legacy but ultimately playing that fence, Hayden thinking he's better than what he's getting with only a few matches under his belt when you're aiming to be more face isn't going to cut it. Playing to character is HUGE.

So figure out what exactly it is that you want to do, or get yourself a close enough idea of the direction you want to go and start to play that road or else you'll end up hurting yourself in the end, because you'll end up in more random bookings than anything else lol.

I won't lie, I've been away from e-fedding for a week now. I apologize as I haven't really checked in and read any promos yet. Regardless, I'm here to quickly comment because, well, I see a lot of potential in the Hayden character.

The issue with comparing Hayden to Punk is that Punk was a cult icon. Coming into MSW without a lot of exposure around Hayden opens the door for the very boring and unoriginal "I don't even know who you are". The only people that can get around this coming into a company would be Drew Stevenson, Phoenix Winterborn, Christian Michaels and SVD because these guys have been everywhere and around for a long ass time. If this were real life and you were to ask who one of those people were you'd get your ass beat by heels and faces alike. One way to circumvent this, of course, is to talk to the management. Ask if they will let you come in as a cult icon, and even to create a backstory of what he is known for.

Also, be careful. As the saying goes, there's a fine line between self-confidence and cockiness. A way you could do this is to really pander to the audience. Super Cena that shit up. "I know I will win my match against Marcus McPillow because unlike him I've got my flock backing me up".

As always, one mans opinion. I'll read and give an arbitrary rating of your most recent promo either tonight or tomorrow

Thanks, I tried to add more "action" or non-dialogue and went ahead and threw in some formatting to break up the large amounts of dialogue.