Round 2 x 2 (Unstoppable VIII RP#1)

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And so it came to pass, that Johnny B. reigned triumphant in his handicap match against James Carson and Jacob Marx. Oh, some people might say it was, in actuality, a single's match involving someone with dissociative identity disorder and one can't just consider that a handicap match, but fuck you! How about that?

Well, that's all in the past, and a rematch demand is definitely not in the cards, seeing as it appears the men in white coats came to give Carson the help he sorely needs. Now this is all speculation, but a li'l speculation ne'er hurt nada.

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But this week, at Unstoppable VIII, the undefeated team of Yugo Phailous and our very own special little guy Johnny B. cause a sensation of déjà vu plus two when they go up against the team consisting of a saint and a pornstar. Just as last time The Johnny and The Tuck were in the ring, this match has big implications: the winning team moves on into the tournament to crown the first-ever MSW Tag-Team Champions. If history of JBC in tournaments held in MSW is any indication of future success, then Johnny and Yugo are gonna go through all the way to the semi-finals... and, uh, hopefully not lose, as history has also indicated.

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Our story begins with Canada's own Johnny The Hitman Hartcrusher (oops! no, he's been sued and can't make it today, it's actually gonna be Johnny B. instead) sitting in a very comfy chair, surrounded by a small sea of excited children. He's dressed like a king, only with his crown to the side like he was straight gangster royalty, because why not. Yugo Phailous may appear also in a costume of royal nature, but that's only if he wants to, and he won't be made to appear if he ain't down with entertaining - and educating - a group of malleable young minds. No, he can just fuck off and go to the local bar and drink away his issues, I don't care. Who cares?! Why be an inspiration to kids everywhere, am I right, Yugo? No, you're there, you're in costume, deal with it.

Our unorthodox hero (HA! what?!) has a book opened up to a random page, so it's mystifying as to how he can be starting a story. I guess it could be an anthology, but... have you noticed when people read books on tv shows or something that they start at random places? I sincerely doubt the table of contents is on page 74, sorry.

Johnny B.: "Okay kids, settle down, gather round, and let The Johnny read to you all aloud a tale of epic bravery and bravado."

One kid raises his little hand up. Johnny slowly raises his arm to point at the kid, closing one eye partially and jutting out his tongue a bit at the same time.

Johnny B.: "Yyyyou."

Kid: "Is-is it like, um, Lord of the Rings?"

Johnny throws the book at the kid but misses. Oh, now now, don't call up the FCC or the PTC, he intentionally missed. He motions for a random librarian to pick up the book, who does, giving The Johnny a glare that could burn iron. JBC eyeballs the kid, but moments later lowers his gaze to fall upon the great tome before him.

Johnny B.: "Once upon a time, there were two kings: Czar Hugofalus of the South and Lord Jon Bon Krusher of the... Other South. Their individual kingdoms flourished, their people prospered, and wartime was always short and in their favour, merely allowing them to incorporate larger territorial borders into their respective kingdoms guilt-free. The scattered realms, collectively known as The Hater Zones, were many but small. Their inhabitants were ugly and hunch-backed, and always took to Twitter, or worse, LiveJournal, to talk crazy bullshit about the otherwise beloved monarchs. Their most distinguishing features were prolapsed anuses from the intense levels of butt-hurt caused at the royals' mere existences. So they had, like, baboon asses with little tails, but those tails were just their prostates jutting out of their prolapsed anuses. This is disgusting. Moving on."

Luckily the children can't make heads or tails out of any of this, but they don't care; they've been offered some cool-ass ice-cream bars after the reading if they behave themselves.

Johnny B.: "But all was not all peaches and cream: in the lands bordering Hugofalustan and Krusherland, there were found conspirators led by a pair of men so unsavoury that one blasphemed and referred to himself as Saint Mothertucker, the other a scrofulous wretch by the name of Bawdy Ronald. Through lies, threats and whining, they concocted a plan: convince the Hater Zones to cede their territories, half to Hugofalustan, half to Krusherland, and when their borders touch, they'll go to war with each other!"

The kids boo. One raises her hand, and The Johnny points at him in a similar manner to how he pointed before.

Girl Kid: "What's 'scroffylus' mean?"

Johnny B.: "It means SSSHHHH!!! That's what it means! Now, where was I? ...Oh yes, the shitty plan formulated by a pair of shitty assholes Hellbent on making the two benevolent souls destroy each other and reign over the remnants of the fallen kingdoms. Pshhh, stupid plan, huh, kids?"

All The Kids: "YEAH!!!"

Johnny B.: "That's right! THAT'S RIGHT!!! Fuck Saint Tuck and Pornstar Ron! They think they can get past Yugo Phailous and Yours Truly?! The, uh, The... Mob of Death, was it? Hmmmmmmmmm... I dunno, Yugo, we'll have to talk about that some more. Anyway, Saint Tuck, you spindly long-haired Kendall Windham wannabe! Temple of the Dog said it best when they said 'I don't mind stealing bread from the mouths of decadence', and then 'I'm going hungry'! I broke you before, and this time, I'm gonna double break you! And as far as Pornstar Ron goes, buddy, I'm gonna take all your sex toys and all your flavoured lubes and shove them in the most violent of fashions straight up your-"

And it's at this time that the librarian finally tires of The Johnny's vulgar language in front of the kids who've surely heard all of this before anyway.

The Librarian: "Jesus Christ! Would you shut the fuck up with the swearing already?! There's fucking kids around! God dammit!!!"

Everyone looks in shock at the librarian. Johnny goes agape and drops the book. Yugo's arms drop limp to his sides. There's silence. A silence so silent that it's deafening. And then, the kids collectively point and gasp accusedly at the clearly stressed-out book-type-lady.

Johnny B.: "Whoa, buddy! The Johnny was just playing, but you had to take it too far! You're a professional! You're supposed to keep the peace! Disgraceful. I mean, like, what the fuck, am I right, kids?"

All The Kids: "YEAH!!!"

The children then start to get up and scream. They turn on the librarian, taking her down to the ground only to hoist her up on their shoulders and take off with her to do who knows what. Terrorize her? Torture her? Maybe even dabble into a little bit of cannibalism? It's never too early to try. But what does all of this have to do with the tag-team tournament qualifying match at Unstoppable VIII?

Yugo removes his crown and robe and puts his stetson and vest back on. He looks at JBC expectantly.

Yugo Phailous: "Well?"

Johnny B.: "Well what?"

Yugo Phailous: "How does the story end?! I'm dyin' ta know!"

Johnny B.: "Oh! That. Well..."

He picks the book back up, flips through several pages, then points at the current page slyly.

Johnny B.: "Hmm! Looks like Czar Hugofalus and Lord Jon Bon Krusher merge their kingdoms into one - dare I say it? - Unstoppable Kingdom! They rule in unison, trounce Saint Mothertucker and Bawdy Ronald, and boil dem motherfuckers in oil, straight up! Much like, heh heh, you know, it's gonna be much like what's gonna happen in real life when The Man Followed By Death and The Pre-Millennium Wrestler turn Saint Fuck and Cornstar Ron ouuuut! Let's get the fuck outta here."

And with that, the Hyperdynamic Duo shed their costumes and mosey on out of the library. The sounds of children laughing and a single middle-aged woman's screams are not enough to give them pause, for they are focused. JBC may have blown it in the MSW Championship tournament, but when it comes to the MSW Tag-Team Championships, every other team's going to be... royally screwed!