Who Cares about Sun Tan or Whatever?! [Unstoppable]
Jun 16, 2014 19:26:03 GMT -6
Salman Van Dam likes this
Post by Deleted on Jun 16, 2014 19:26:03 GMT -6
Personally, I think Manning is a bit of a nut. He's out here talking about conspiracy and what not-- but I see what he's talking about. Apparently Tyler Xero got hurt and he's been replaced in a tag team championship tournament match with.. me. I know Danny and I don't see eye to eye, majority of that is because his stomach sticks out a few feet.. but I've been a good guy! I've taken Davis Wiley to school! I've paid my dues wrestling in a completely useless match! I'm Roman Gold-- The American Reality is reality, baby! I thought about all of this during one of my drunken sprees, I hadn't been sober for going on six days now. I no longer had feeling in my lips, my hands was swollen and my eyes resembled Uncle Fester's with deep, black circles around them.
"God bless Oakleys."
Yes, there I was-- as stunning as ever. I wasn't a big fan of the sun but who was? It was hot, it imitated me in color but it was lame. I didn't give people sunburns, I gave people burns like Kelso when I opened a can of verbal OWNAGE BEBEH! Anyway, I had stumbled across a fool-proof plan to enjoy Gatorade, Vodka AND the sun without getting dehydrated and subsequently dying-- mix them together! I wasn't a science guy, I left that up to the nerds but I did know that adding about half the amount of Gatorade, shaking it like Davis Wiley's beard when he clears himself of fleas and indulging didn't just get me drunk, it replaced electrolytes!
"God bless Gatorade. Look mom, no cramps! LeBron is such a diva."
I represented Orlando-- Miami is orange skin, old people central. Orlando was sophisticated and just so happened to house the GREATEST NBA Franchise ever; The Magic.
"So.. My first job of being out there in a friend's corner, it's not good enough for MSW. Danny Stevenson wants to see me in action, he wants me to save his show.. and that's cool, bro. Tyler Xero is out, Roman Gold is in and when Roman Gold is in-- ask the countless amount of females that's been there.. things get nasty."
AHAHAHA, WHOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO-- NAAAAAAASSSSSS-TAY!
"So my good friend from The Great White North traveled down to Missouri, for me for the most part as no one would willingly leave somewhere as esteemed and rich in culture as Canada.. for Missouri-- and since he's down here we figured why not put our resources together and run this? Frank Washington-- Robert Garland, that sounds like a fun evening to me. You've got these two who had a fight for the ages not too long ago in the same corner, and yeah, they've got experience as they know each other.. Sure, but who know who also had experience? Logan and Damon-- those two toothless idiots that got bounced like a basketball straight back to Hickville, USA. Experience is overrated, it's all about technique and making the most of the moment and look at me.."
I opened my robe and flexed my abs, and I had beautiful abs. It's as if I had been chisled from granite. You know when you're 11 and you're going through the phase of drawing superheroes? That's where the inspiration for abs come from-- me. Defined, not crooked and ugly, and PERFECT.
"I may drink, I may have a few paternity suits out there lingering but that won't matter once the bell rings. Teej and myself, we're stepping into that match without chips on our shoulders because it's not needed. I don't need to 'feel' like I've got something to prove, you two do. Prove that this isn't a total Brokeback Mountain deal and you aren't gonna end up dry-humping on a retreat to find yourselves. You two are odd-balls, Teej and myself represent everything that's true, bros. You've got Garland not trusting Washington-- Washington quoting Sun Tan or whatever that crazy Korean guy's name is that has the mantras and stuff on life.."
.. Korean? Maybe Thai.. I know he's not Cambodian, Cambodians are savages and savages can't write books. Maybe he's Japanese.. hell if I know.
"See, I think Robert Garland is a pretty cool guy. With a nickname like 'Badger' how could you NOT think this guy is awesome? I mean sure, maybe his beard looks like something he''d eat in terms of roadkill on a Saturday night when he's out dating Claudia Mae at the local trailer-park but Robert is cool! He's got this killer-like look in his eye that has him being totally ruthless and it'd work.. if I was afraid of him. I've seen Garland and Washington get down, doesn't impress me-- 4 outta 10 for sure."
I held up four fingers, I felt like a Horsemen so I quickly dropped my hands and instead held up the index and middle finger on each finger.
"Four! Not five, that'd make you mediocre. You're a FOUR outta Ten meaning you're below it. As ruthless and as badass as you are, you're NOT Roman Gold.. you're NOT TJ Bryce and you damn sure aren't Gentlemen's Club material. What you are, is someone that's good to be paid to do jobs nobody else wants to bother with. Maybe after we take you two out of the tournament I'll pull the add on Angie's List for a Groundskeeper at my house and'll pay you 9.25 an hour."
What?! That's good money! You've gotta figure that Garland's lack of personality, totally creeper smile and being just a general black hole of charisma doesn't sell him a lot of merchandise, a man's gotta eat! I'm not gonna hire his manager though, he'd probably want to sponge bathe me and stuff.
"And then.. Frank Washington, the Sun Tan quoting, pool playing mo'fo. See Frankie.."
My throat suddenly was parched so naturally, I took a GULP from my Gatorade/Vodka concoction.. I felt the burn, yet the White Cherry was so great..
"The fact that I know.. you know.. I know.. you know.. Robert knows.. that Teej knows the position we're in, that makes this a fun situation. Just how far are you willing to let things go.. before you allow Badger-Boy to get beat down? I mean what happens if say for instance.. I kick you in the face.. BOOM!"
I suddenly slapped my hands together causing my drink to go flying in the air.. FUCK! MY VODKTORADE! NO!
"You're doing, sleeping with the angels and counting crows-- then Teej and myself we're about to hit Badger with a kitchen sink and a judge's gavel in the face.. Do you allow it to happen, or do you be the good guy and save him? Me? I'd let him take the shot, maybe it might knock that stupid lisp out of his talking pattern.. but this presents you with a VERY interesting situation. Teej and I know where we stand, we're united. We may not have been in the ring for one thousand seven hundred and sixty nine.."
Heh.. Sixty-9, which reminds me-- call Veronica when this is over. Oh man Veronica, I don't necessary engage in ass-play but with her? I'll do it with a smile.
".. but we know what we gotta do-- and in order to add gold TO Gold, we've gotta beat you boys."
Add gold TO Gold? Fucking.. Unbelievable. Fuck Sun Tzu!
"Now if you'll excuse me, I've got some.. drinking to do."
WHOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!