High Soc' is Right! (UX RP #1)

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Thanks, guys!

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At Unstoppable IX, something occurred that many considered an upset. A major upset. The immovable object nullified the irresistible force! For all the impressiveness of the erstwhile slapdash team of an Asian cowboy and a Canadian loudmouth. They could have been bad guys - and in some alternate reality they most assuredly are - but here in MSW, their braggadocious claims, their over-the-top demeanours, their larger-than-life personalities, they've been tempered by their unorthodox albeit effective skills inside the squared circle. No matter what the say, they say it so... well, I won't go nuts and say charmingly, but, something that allures the fans, anyway. They appeal to the fans is what I'm saying. But they ride the edge of that razor just deftly enough that while they potentially could do wrong with the fans, they pull back just enough to keep them happy. Johnny B. would never admit to this at least, but come on. Come on.

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Today our story begins at the palatial palace estate of one Leo Banks. A panoramic view of the grounds and all its offerings reveal a life of luxury: swimming pools, miniature guest houses, croquet courses, gazebos, a bunch of other crazy bougie shit. Oh, right, and cars. Many cars, each one nicer than the next. The last one the camera pans to has "Johnny Rules" spray-painted onto it. Huh! I wonder what Johnny they're referring to!

Cue to a hot tub scene, the water bubbling and steaming, an inviting scene.

And then, we pan a bit further,... and see a Johnny all right: Johnny "The Johnimant Species" Bonecrusher!

Yeah! Go figure, huh?

Johnny B.: "Oh, hello! I didn't see you there! Welcome to the temporarily-renamed quarters of Johnathan Heights! I'm your host- you know what? I'm not gonna say who I am. If you're just gonna sit there and pretend you don't know by now that I'm The Pre-Millennium Wrestler, the Johnimant Species, King Shit on Fuck Mountain, your host of The Boneyard, The Johnny, Yours Truly, and the bookkeeper for my Violence Agenda™®©, then there's no helping you. Shame on you. Shame!!

Now, today, I invited you all here today to discuss a couple of things. Firstly, let me touch base with this whole Apocalypse getting their asses kicked thing. You know, when Neforian allied himself Dante and Virgil, even The Johnny was certain that shit was goin' down, and goin' down hard. So, he did the only sensible thing and allied himself with Peyton Von Licht and Luke Jackson. And Yugo Phalious, of course, but you probably knew that already.

Then, Yugo and Yours Truly are pitted against those two goons, and boy oh boy, speculation ran rampant! The air was so rife with the assurances that finally, finally, the 'pretty good team' that was us was finally going to meet their match against the 'really good team' that was The Apocalypse. After all, Yugo and I were put together randomly; Dante and Virgil have been together for who knows how long! And have you seen them? Those guys have been eating their Wheaties.

But despite their menace, their might, their proposed reign of terror, they done fucked up, because they didn't know about us! Oh, they might have thought they knew about us, but they didn't know shit! So, we go onto Back to Basics, where our final challenge awaits us: Frank Washington and Robert 'Badger' Garland. But that's a story for another time."

Johnny pauses, wondering if he's been in the hot waters of the fancy schmancy spa for too long, but decides that counterbalancing the heat with a healthy sip from a straw from a nice cold peach Bellini was a smart idea.

Johnny B.: "Unstoppable X, we, uh, we got ourselves another tag match all right, only, it's against two members of that new group calling themselves High Society. It's at this time that I could make some little comment about how Leo Banks and Ian Windermear would have to be high to think they're gonna bring our momentum to a halt,... but I won't. What I will say is, historically-speaking, any tag team that included Leo Banks fell at our hands, with Banks taking the fall each time!"

Of course he omits the fact that it only happened once, back when Yugo Phailous and Johnny B. first teamed up against Chad Vargas and Banks at Best of the Best, but it did indeed end with Johnny B. himself pinning Banks, so... there's that.

Johnny B.: "Now, I ain't gonna be some pussy whose head's so far up his own ass that he's physically incapable of saying something positive about his opponents. I'm such a great guy, you see, an ideas man, if you will, and the concept of High Society becoming a dominant force here in MSW is equal parts revolting... and intriguing. See, here you have a team consisting of people who live the good life, bask in the flashbulb glows of the paparazzo, and hang out with celebrities.

All well and good. Never miiiind it feels to me that they're just a Gentleman's Club splinter group. I don't wanna give them any ideas now. Shit. Don't you go stealing my ideas, you greedy bastards, you hear me?!

Anyway, Leo Banks is a guy who ain't foolin' anyone! I know for a fact he gives a shit about more than money! You didn't think I knew that, did ya, Banks? What you know about hidin' shit from The Johnimant Species, huh? He's got like, fuckin', 17 senses easy! Not that you don't care about dem papers, no, you care about them a little too much! That's why you've never settled down with a woman; they don't have the same feel as that sweet sweet green does, and on top of that, they have a nasty tendency of taking it away from you!

But in those fleeting moments where you forget about riches, you can go in that ring. You can! But until you lose it all, you're not gonna be living to your full potential. Take some tips from your partner this week, Windermear. He's like you in many ways, but he seems a bit more sensible in all of this. I mean, don't get me wrong, he's a dick too, but even he sees there's a time and a place for everything. He's another one of those guys that has 'star' inked on him somewhere... if only he could remember where it was tattooed!

Windermear is your foil, Banks. Windermear is the straight-man in your comedy duo. You all need to focus on having two straight-men in your outfit. On that day, you, Banks, and you, Windermear, the world will be your oyster, and you'll truly be at the top of your games."

Johnny pauses once more. That peach Bellini's pretty fuckin' good, son! Oh, some people might liken it to a girls-only beverage, a fruity drink for a fruity man... but last time I checked, this is the 21st Century, and that's some deep-seated homophobia there, motherfuckers! Tasty is as tasty does. You go on and continue to drink your whiskeys as straight as you claim to be! Them shit's nasty.

Johnny B.: "So, uh, why am I telling you all of this? Giving you these mad big-ups like I owed you my life? Because, it ain't gonna mean shit in the long run! You're still going up against Yugo Phailous and Johnny B. in the end! Some people talk about it, but Yugo and Yours Truly are living it: we're the most dominant duo in the game today, and High Soc' are just gonna wind up a speedbump on the road to Back to Basics! You might slow us down, sure, but you're still gonna become caught in the axles of the Yugo-Bonecrusher Express, no stops, leaving a trail and blood and gore that extends all the way to July 20th... where Yugo and I meet our destiny."

He takes one last sip of his drink before pulling himself out of the tub.

Johnny B.: "But hey, at least you'll still have all this!"

He scoffs, but shit, really, wow. This is the baller life for real. He's a bit jelly, but soon enough, Banks and Windermear will be jelly!

The other kind, I mean. Not the slang term.

And with that, Johnny dries himself off, gets his shoes back on, and bolts before security finally show up, and he'd have to kick their asses.